I got yelled at today by the oil change guy. He informed me that when he tested the level of the oil, NOTHING showed up on the stick and didn't I know how detrimental that was to the engine? So sue me.
And David, bless his heart, was able to remove and put in our new toilet today, but got stuck on the silly Ikea cabinet, and now it hangs doorless and shelfless on the bathroom wall with all of our bathroom stuff sitting in piles on the floor.
I suppose that projects seem to look worse and worse right before they are done and amazing. Our old toilet? Gross. It took 4 flushes to get a 'normal' amount of debris down the hole. You'd have thought I was tossing dirty diapers in there expecting them to neatly flush away. I'm talking 2 squares. 4 flushes. Our new toilet doesn't run....it flushes and fills in all of about 8 seconds. It's amazing. I didn't know such technology existed. It feels like such a luxury. And David is considering doing the sink tomorrow as well! Imagine that - hot water? It's been about a year....and our current sink is from about 1940 and has two faucets - one hot and one cold. I hate that. It's been so much less stressful without having to worry about the hot water, actually. In the mornings I feel like I'm living back in the 1800s, when on really cold mornings they had to crack the ice in the basin and splash icy water on their faces to freshen up. It's outrageous.
All this to say, it's great living in a house that is constantly in process. Okay...it's not always great. But at least we are kept on our toes. And we experience a tangible daily hope that I don't know I would if I were living in my dream 5 bedroom 3 1/2 bathroom home with a huge backyard and a playroom. I'll trade hope for the mansion someday. But for now I'll stick with our little suburban adventure.

OCTOBER??
Dear God - what has happened?
School has started - we're back to our routine ...
6 30 am mom up coffee lunches work
7 00 am dad in shower Sullivan up breakfast drop off
4 00 pm mom pick-up dinner prep temper tantrum
6 00 pm dinner temper tantrum
7 30 pm bedtime for Sullivan

It's so awesome.(note the sarcasm) The sameness of it all gets a little old, but nice weekends have become so much nicer.
A few friends out there understand the pain of the working mother - the hats, the spreading thin. You have these roles - none of which feel very successful. Nighttimes are managing temper tantrums because your child is tired from a Long day at school. I don't even see him in the mornings - I leave too early, but also if I were around when he was up in the morning and he watched me leave, I don't know....he would go nuts.
It's easy to complain. So let me say that I really do love what I do. For the most part our time with Sullivan has become more precious and more sweet and more intentional. I appreciate it all so much more. And I really do love my job as well - it's really fun. It would just be more fun if I could cart around my two year old. I have a large closet in my room that his pack-and-play would definitely fit in. Naptime!

I actually feel like there's a lot on my heart these days. It's going to be a long year - surgery #3 is coming up - and again, it is so hard to describe what a parent feels. I used to say that suffering was all relative - you know, open heart surgery ... ear infection ... nobody likes to watch their child suffer. But I take that back. It's not relative. I would take almost anything over what he has to go through. Allergies? Bring them on. Bad cough? Yes please. The list goes on.
Listening to people talk about their healthy kids is old....(sorry - it just is).
The list of wishes is so long.
So life is full of fear. At the same time, it's so full of faith too. And waiting. And trusting that this too will shape and teach and open our hearts. I know that Sullivan will be a more understanding, more empathetic, more compassionate man because of his suffering. I hope that I will become a more patient, trusting, and loving woman, wife and mother as a result of all this.
Back when he was born I had a very brief moment of vulnerability which has since been replaced with a permenant lump in my throat. People wonder why I have avoided attending church like the plague and really it's just because it does something to me - it taps into a part of my heart that gives me great fear. I'm not sure that I'll ever feel ready to open that part of myself up, but I'm not sure that it's in my power to control the timing.

Who knows what I'm talking about. I'm watching the Phillies, drinking whiskey (!), and feeling cozy on this chilly October night. It's in there somewhere.

We celebrated 5 years of marriage this weekend! And what a 5 years they have been....marked by some very distinct chapters thus far.

At a friends' wedding recently, upon hearing their vows - promising to love each other no matter what, we both had a similar reaction..."HA - just you wait....you think it's so easy now. Just you wait..." Such cynics after only 5 years.
And now thinking about it, it's really the hard stuff that brings all the beauty and the best parts of being in a relationship. So do you hope for the hard stuff? I don't think so - who doesn't want life to be happy-go-lucky? A white picket fence, no worries about finances, healthy families....that sounds good. But to wish that the hard stuff hadn't happened is really a waste of time. I guess it just is what it is. And we are more of who we are supposed to be because of it. Slightly refined, but with much more to go, I'm sorry to say.

Anyway, summer vacation has begun, and with 65 days left, I'm feeling pretty good. We had an amazing night at a new restaurant in Philly last night and as we drank our white wine and ate our roasted golden beets, foie gras, black sable, mackerel, cobbler, and bread pudding, who could complain about anything? Oh yeah, and the world's two most perfect cocktails. (French 75 and Sazerac...yum)

In about an hour we're off to celebrate a nephew's 3rd birthday with friends and nearly all of our family....things are looking up. Who's up for brunch next week??

Philly News

So my kids come into school every morning with all kinds of news....
"I watched a movie last night."
"I played with my dog this morning."
"I saw my uncle at the zoo."

And today's news?
"Three kids on my block were killed."

HUH? I had heard about this sad sad news, but I didn't exactly realize that it happened in our area. It happened outside of a few of my kids' homes.

The saddest part, actually, was how normal about it they all were. Like it was no different from the uncle at the zoo or the dog at home.
Having my own son, I can't imagine having to grow up in a place where things like this happen and it's just a part of where you're from.
It's days like this.....
Part of what's hard about being a working mom in this environment is that I spend so much emotional energy on other people's children and feel sometimes like my own child gets my left-overs. Of course, I know that's not true, but reality is that my son is really lucky to have two parents and an extended family who love him, keep him safe and clean and fed, and who would do anything for him. There's a part of me that thinks his little gift right now to the world is his mommy's heart for other kids. Does that make sense? Of course it might take years of therapy to get over his mom ditching him in daycare full-time, but I don't think he doubts our love for him so I'm not too concerned about it.

Two Years Old

Two years ago, on a stormy blue-mooned night, little Sullivan Lowing came into the world!
Technically it was two years and one day, because he was born at 6am after the stormy and blue-mooned night. Anyway, point is, he's two today. I hate bragging about my child, so here is a short and abbreviated list of all the things that are awesome about him.
1. He actually has recently started to make me laugh. He makes up weird games about milk and stuff....it's hilarious.
2. He says, "Hi," to everybody. Literally, everybody. The kid has love for all - doesn't matter their age, race, sex....how smelly they are. Sometimes I confess that I steer him away from creepy looking old dudes, but he really does just love people.
3. His days are pretty much just him talking all day. He says all 60some words that he knows over and over and over. A 14 hour recitation of his own personal dictionary.
4. We toast before dinner. He likes to "cheers." So we say something like, "To Sullivan!" and he says, "Cheers," and clinks glasses and then takes a big swig of his milk.
5. Sullivan likes to clean up messes. Sometimes I'll put some mail/trash on the floor on purpose and he runs right over to put it all in the garbage can.

Anyway, that's our two-year old. I have lots of sappy sad things that might make you cry, but I'm keeping those things to myself tonight.

Bedtime Musings

So, you know, I've been teaching in Philly for the past school year. Now, I've had significant experience, compared to some, teaching and working with kids in an inner-city setting and there's something that really disturbs me about the SD's 'attitude' or philosophy about what an effective teacher looks like. Literally looks like.
When did we sacrifice competence? Lord knows I've seen plenty of crappy teachers both white and otherwise. I'm not sure when having a 51% minority teacher rate as a goal became a good thing, or an admirable achievement. Wouldn't it be an improvement to find good, passionate, loyal educators who want to learn and do better regardless of what they look like or where they grew up? Look. I get it....I'll be the first to admit that our educational system favors one socioeconomic class over another. That the challenges my kids face at only 5 and 6 years old would be enough to put me in bed for a good 9 months doped up on prozac or something. And these kids come in every day....it's not an easy road, for sure. But to say that a child would learn better from a teacher who physically resembles them? How about just to have a teacher that actually cares about you? How about a teacher who gives you a hug in the morning because there's nobody else who will?? How about a teacher who encourages to do better than is expected? I'm just saying that if the SD spent a little more time and money invested in quality teachers...I don't know. It just seems counter-productive. Give me $500,000.00 a year and I'll come up with some awesome ideas as well. And my kids don't have pencils or any more paper to write on? Puh-lease. Just another cog....
As you see, this is my new soap-box. And here is my solution.
1. Parent education. There are like, two things parents could do to help their kids significantly. Read to them, put them to bed on time. Done.
2. Invest in early education. Basic literacy skills are so important. Unfortunately, the SD doesn't appear to care all that much unless a kid is in a testing year. And trust me from experience, it's easier to teach a kindergartner how to read than it is to teach a 3rd grader.
3. Spend a little time letting teachers know that they are valuable. And no...asking me to make a dish to bring in to a teacher appreciation potluck doesn't suffice. And neither does a lame memo. Treat our time like it's valuable. Give us the training and encouragement to do what we've been hired to do.

That's it. Where's my big old salary and my fancy Mercedes? Let's go, people...enough with the band-aids and the excuses and the scape-goats. Let's actually get something done for a change!

Confession:
I hate hearing other people 'brag' about their kids and I try to fly under the radar when it comes to my own.
That being said....
S is so cute these days. Coming into such a sweet age. He's come such a long way....those days in the ICU seem far far away. (although they are currently creeping up on us all too quickly again.)
My son loves to read. I always loved to read. Although in the past, oh, decade I've only been in the mood to read books I've already read. His two favorite stories these days are, "Are You My Mother?" and "Green Eggs and Ham."
In the mother book, he loves to point out the bird and the other animals, he makes noises along with the 'Snort,' and there's a certain point in the story when he starts to get really sad....just about when the baby bird has given up hope that his mommy will be found.
And in the 'Ham' book, he love to finish the sentences.
For all that's crazy about him, he absolutely loves his stories. He'll sit for a good 30-40 minutes all snuggled up in the lap, requesting his favorites by title. "Jamberry" is the blueberry book. "Jesus" is the Jesus Loves Me book. "Bus" is the "Jesus Is With Me" song. He laughs and names animals, points to his favorite parts....he even likes to read the stories back to you.
Full-time working mom kind of stinks...although we're flying to California in less than two weeks over my spring-break so there's a perk...but these little moments keep you going for sure. Not even 3 months until summer!!