Sunday, October 18, 2009

Dear God - what has happened?
School has started - we're back to our routine ...
6 30 am mom up coffee lunches work
7 00 am dad in shower Sullivan up breakfast drop off
4 00 pm mom pick-up dinner prep temper tantrum
6 00 pm dinner temper tantrum
7 30 pm bedtime for Sullivan

It's so awesome.(note the sarcasm) The sameness of it all gets a little old, but nice weekends have become so much nicer.
A few friends out there understand the pain of the working mother - the hats, the spreading thin. You have these roles - none of which feel very successful. Nighttimes are managing temper tantrums because your child is tired from a Long day at school. I don't even see him in the mornings - I leave too early, but also if I were around when he was up in the morning and he watched me leave, I don't know....he would go nuts.
It's easy to complain. So let me say that I really do love what I do. For the most part our time with Sullivan has become more precious and more sweet and more intentional. I appreciate it all so much more. And I really do love my job as well - it's really fun. It would just be more fun if I could cart around my two year old. I have a large closet in my room that his pack-and-play would definitely fit in. Naptime!

I actually feel like there's a lot on my heart these days. It's going to be a long year - surgery #3 is coming up - and again, it is so hard to describe what a parent feels. I used to say that suffering was all relative - you know, open heart surgery ... ear infection ... nobody likes to watch their child suffer. But I take that back. It's not relative. I would take almost anything over what he has to go through. Allergies? Bring them on. Bad cough? Yes please. The list goes on.
Listening to people talk about their healthy kids is old....(sorry - it just is).
The list of wishes is so long.
So life is full of fear. At the same time, it's so full of faith too. And waiting. And trusting that this too will shape and teach and open our hearts. I know that Sullivan will be a more understanding, more empathetic, more compassionate man because of his suffering. I hope that I will become a more patient, trusting, and loving woman, wife and mother as a result of all this.
Back when he was born I had a very brief moment of vulnerability which has since been replaced with a permenant lump in my throat. People wonder why I have avoided attending church like the plague and really it's just because it does something to me - it taps into a part of my heart that gives me great fear. I'm not sure that I'll ever feel ready to open that part of myself up, but I'm not sure that it's in my power to control the timing.

Who knows what I'm talking about. I'm watching the Phillies, drinking whiskey (!), and feeling cozy on this chilly October night. It's in there somewhere.