OCTOBER??
Dear God - what has happened?
School has started - we're back to our routine ...
6 30 am mom up coffee lunches work
7 00 am dad in shower Sullivan up breakfast drop off
4 00 pm mom pick-up dinner prep temper tantrum
6 00 pm dinner temper tantrum
7 30 pm bedtime for Sullivan
It's so awesome.(note the sarcasm) The sameness of it all gets a little old, but nice weekends have become so much nicer.
A few friends out there understand the pain of the working mother - the hats, the spreading thin. You have these roles - none of which feel very successful. Nighttimes are managing temper tantrums because your child is tired from a Long day at school. I don't even see him in the mornings - I leave too early, but also if I were around when he was up in the morning and he watched me leave, I don't know....he would go nuts.
It's easy to complain. So let me say that I really do love what I do. For the most part our time with Sullivan has become more precious and more sweet and more intentional. I appreciate it all so much more. And I really do love my job as well - it's really fun. It would just be more fun if I could cart around my two year old. I have a large closet in my room that his pack-and-play would definitely fit in. Naptime!
I actually feel like there's a lot on my heart these days. It's going to be a long year - surgery #3 is coming up - and again, it is so hard to describe what a parent feels. I used to say that suffering was all relative - you know, open heart surgery ... ear infection ... nobody likes to watch their child suffer. But I take that back. It's not relative. I would take almost anything over what he has to go through. Allergies? Bring them on. Bad cough? Yes please. The list goes on.
Listening to people talk about their healthy kids is old....(sorry - it just is).
The list of wishes is so long.
So life is full of fear. At the same time, it's so full of faith too. And waiting. And trusting that this too will shape and teach and open our hearts. I know that Sullivan will be a more understanding, more empathetic, more compassionate man because of his suffering. I hope that I will become a more patient, trusting, and loving woman, wife and mother as a result of all this.
Back when he was born I had a very brief moment of vulnerability which has since been replaced with a permenant lump in my throat. People wonder why I have avoided attending church like the plague and really it's just because it does something to me - it taps into a part of my heart that gives me great fear. I'm not sure that I'll ever feel ready to open that part of myself up, but I'm not sure that it's in my power to control the timing.
Who knows what I'm talking about. I'm watching the Phillies, drinking whiskey (!), and feeling cozy on this chilly October night. It's in there somewhere.
6 comments:
Sarah,
You are so right, it is virtually impossible for me to understand what you are going through- I do know that you are a super strong woman. You inspire me with what you can handle and how you can party- :)
You have great balance and I admire that.
Keep being great and beautiful.
xoxo
Two things...stop having temper tantrums at dinner-you are setting a bad example for the little man. :-) Second; I pray for you guys often. Don't know how the one person I felt pretty far from in high school seems so close in my heart.
Play date? Make it happen.
For light reading that may help with life with a two year old; "The two Martini Play date" and "The two Martini Vacation."
I will keep praying that God shows His grace on you as you struggle through how to love and be loved.
You have been in my thoughts lately, as I wondered how you and Sullivan were doing. I know I don't even come close to understanding how you feel, or how you suffer, but maybe it helps to know that I am praying for you.
Also, I don't know if you have time to read blogs, but this one is pretty good: http://www.mycharmingkids.net/
The woman who writes it has a little boy with a pretty serious heart condition, and she writes about it, as well as the rest of her life in a pretty entertaining way. I don't have time to read all she writes, due to the sheer volume, but I check in from time to time.
thanks for writing this. It is beautiful.
nothing else to say except that I love you
a lot.
And Sullivan whom I love to hug and kiss against his will. This makes me miss you both very much.
definitely, thanks for writing this. we love you guys and will be praying ongoing for Sullivan and ya'll. your family is important to us; we both always enjoy your company and would love to gather round a table with the lowings some day... until then... XO
This week we had to watch Brianna be catherized and then given and xray to make sure her kidneys worked the way they should. This is nothing in comparison to what you deal with and we found it stressful. God only gives us what we can handle, and you are showing amazing strength and courage not to mention example in Truth as you take each of these steps with Sullivan. Much love to you and your family!
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